phd angst 

Struggling a lot with my corrections. I can see how my external examiner is trying to ask me "leading" questions to get me to the point he wants me to make, but...

...I don't think the point is there.

I don't think there is much that is objectively ground-breaking or new in my music, beyond "I wrote it and someone else didn't". And I'm fine with that as a composer, but a PhD has to be "research" which means substantial innovation of some kind.

phd angst, childhood trauma 

My supervisor *does* believe my work is PhD-worthy.

I would like to get the PhD just to not give in, if that makes sense. So often when I'm metaphorically kicked I just roll over without defending myself, because when I was growing up that was the safest option.

I need to defend myself in order to not retraumatise myself by replicating the experience.

But I honestly don't see the "research" in my work that my external is looking for.


phd angst, doing OK 

Meeting with supervisor went decently, I am more on track than I thought.

phd angst, doing OK 

Specifically, my supervisor was able to say "actually, no, people aren't using hymnody in the way that you do, and it *is* innovative"

I don't feel like it is? To me it's just... fun and interesting? But still, that helps.

phd angst, doing OK 

One of the bottlenecks seems to be around fluency. When thye ask for "examples from the literature" I never know if they mean, like, papers people have written, or pieces of music. I got some (probable) clarity on that for a few things though, which also helps.

phd angst, doing OK 


that's incredible ...


music is just a series of hunches and accidents

as always, best wishes for the successful completion of your appointed rounds


phd angst, doing OK 

@artsyhonker seeing your own work as original is one of the hardest things to do because it runs counter to our self-critical reflexivity (which is crucial). and that's ok. you need (want) the external point of view. it's good if you trust it/them, but perhaps not strictly necessary on your path towards this particular goal.

BTW hello, good to see you in a while.

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